I so want to be an example to them, one that will cause them to follow the Lord no matter what. I am reading the book 'Keeping our children's Hearts' by Steven and Teri Maxwell and boy is it speaking to me. When I first became a mother (step-mother) to Amber now 24 and Russell now 23 I didn't have a clue what it meant to be a mother. I longed for children for so long that as soon as Gary and I got married I asked him if it would be alright for the children to come and live with us (they were living with Gary's mother at the time). So four days after we were married I was a mother and we were moving to Staten Island NY (hubby was in the Navy). Little did I know that three days after we arrived in NY by new husband would be leaving me to go to Desert Storm. So here I am with two children around the age of 6 and 7, no hubby at home, didn't know a soul where we lived and lost as to what to do with the children I barely knew. For the most part we got along, we played some, we set rules and chores and we got them enrolled in public school. I was able to find a job at a bank as a 'new accounts clerk' and we trotted along. There were times when they 'tried' me and 'tested' me and yes even brought me to tears. I can remember calling my mother on occasions asking her what in the world to do. I didn't feel I could spank them (because they 'wern't mine') but there had to be punishment for some of the things they did. Well time went on and I met some of the people around me (one neighbor just happen to be a youth leader at the local church), This is where I became a Christian. I started to seek the advice of this man (all the while befriending his Wife, who ended up becoming a dear friend of mine and Godmother of my first born)., he would come over and talk to the children when they did something so catastrophic that I just didn't even know where to begin punishment. Well, to make a long story short, had I known, I just should have called on the Lord for help, outside help/influences isn't always the best policy. It took me a long time (6 years to be exact) to see that I just wasn't doing things right. Oh I thought I had it all down, I made them do their homework, chores, be kind and light spoken and so on. Well after years of trial and error, and years I can't take back, I have established a relationship with my children that I pray can never be broken. We now have a few rebellious teenage moments and I still make mistakes in training and raising my children but for the most part I think our relationship is unbreakable. There were times when Amber and Russell used to say I loved 'my' children more and I was easy on 'my' children. But I pray some day that they will see I too had to learn along the way. Noone comes with written instruction, and child and parent have to grow together. I could apologize for the wrong I did as they were growing up (and I do pray they forgive me) but I was doing what I thought was my best. I can honestly say that. Now that they are grown and on their own we are a bit closer then when they were younger but there are still scars they carry. I can't remove those, all I can do is be a friend and a mother to them the best I know how. I care for all my children equally and love them just the same. I am but a mother that is learning to walk in Christ and trying to take her children (all five of them... oops six *I have a daughter in law now too) along the way.

Steven and Teri mention in their book that they too had a point in their lives where they listen to others around them, Christian folks, leaders in the church, ect. until one day they realized that they were living someone else's life. Kind of like me. I was listening to all those 'Christian' folks around me, telling me how THEY would handle things, how THEY thought I needed to punish my children more, and so on. It wasn't until I decided to pray and listen to the Lord that things started working better for me. My heart aches at what I put them through, with outside influences and all, but all I can do now is carry on try to build a Godly relationship with them. Training up those that are still in the nest and doing so according to the will of God. I have to first evaluate my heart, ask God to show me my sinful habits and then I can train up the children in the ways in which they should go. So my prayer today is .... Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you , and lead me along the path of everlasting life. Psalm 139:23-24

I could use encouragement here as I often feel like a horrible mother, ruining the lives of her children. I have been a wishy washy Christian for a long time and now I long to be that steadfast, strong, Christian Mother and Wife that the Lord intended me to be when He blessed me with the desire's of my heart (my children)

I will continue to read this book and get EVERYthing out of it that I can and apply it to my life and theirs. Praying all the while for the Lord to see me through. If you can get your hands on a copy it really is a great book. I pray that as a mother and a wife I can do all things to honor God, my Husband and my Children.