Ok Carrie..............deep breath...........

Ok, this is very hard to post here, more so then my Yahoo Groups I am on as this is soo much more "out there".  I prayed about it, and was led to post here so I am.  I did not sleep to good if at all last night and truly feel as if I  have been ignored by God.  Now of course ...................MY HEAD KNOWS DIFFERENT, but getting my heart to let it sink in is another matter entirely.  My dh and I have had so manyyyyyyyyyy hard times situations over the past 2 years.  The past several weeks have been beyond words and now the past 2 weeks is almost beyond existence for us!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I have literally have no more physical strength, patience, prayer, tears (well maybe a little tears) left in me.  I have ALWAYS BEEN A GIVER, not a whiner, complainer, beggar.  I absolutely dislike having to ask for help, more then you know.  I am so ashamed of where we are right now, but a couple dear friends have told me it is only a "season" of likfe we are in.....................WELL I WANT THIS SEASON OVER!  I SO VERY MUCH WANT PEACE, I JUST WANT TO LIVE A PEACEFUL LIFE WITH MY FAMILY HERE ON OUR HOMESTEAD.  I don't mind staying home, not "shopping with the girls" in the city, going for coffee, etc.  I enjoy being H.O.M.E.!  We moved here 2 yrs ago as we felt led by the Lord to "simplify" our lives and get out of the city.  So we booted our "non paying" renters out, and out  moved here with the plans of selling our home in the city, living in this tiny house fo ra year and then building a modest small REAL log home.  We never planned on having a house fire, going through a horrible court situation with an out of control teenager, having my mother killed, having a foreclosure, ETC., ETC., ETC., ETC.!  It has been very hard on my dh and he has pulled away from God in the sense that he turn into a "John Walton" of sorts.  I know he feels like such a failure because he can not seem provide enough for his family no matter how hard he works.  He feels like God has given up on him/us.  (this is not the man I know).  I have had to be the strong one for our family for quite sometime and I do not have that strength anymore!  I just want to run home to mom and I know I can't.  I have prayed, cried, yelled, screamed, pleaded and prayed some more...............it doesn not help....things just keep happeneing everytime we turn around.  Fixing this house after the fire, adding on a bedroom and all the repairs we have to do, more then took our savings and them some.  We have to let some bills go, be paid late etc.  Just when we get a break................we get knocked back down 10 steps.....................

 Well yesterday started out to be a really great day!  We headed to the city to get my dh check, pay our farm payment, get the part for the refrigerator that came in (so we still will have a working fridge), diapers, goat feed, cat food, groceries and gasoline.  Well we got his check, deposited it, I had a some money in their already, went and payed our payment, a latch for the door, and then for groceries..............I had $40 worth of meat and a few staple items.....I gave the gal my debit card and it was declined, so she ran it thru as a credit transaction...still declined, I was like now way as we had just deposited money and plus I had a bit int here already....so I said I would just write a check.  We left and I called the bank as it was after 4:30pm by this time and the lobby close at 5 on Fridays.  I call them and they tell me I am $1300.00 NEGATIVE!!!!!!!!!!!  I was like no way!  To make a horrid story short..................I had a levy put on my accoutn for $1800.00 from our foreclosure and it took the $1100.00 I had in there, so the check I had just wrote out for our $837 farm and HE loan payment, the check groceries and the check for the door latch, and the check for our lunch.................ARE NOW NO GOOD and I will be charged $38.00 per check for an insuffiecent check fee.  Ok, I am hyperventalating at this time................NO JOKE!!!  I immediately called the bank were we just paid the mortgage payments to to see if they could back out the payment and I'd come get the ceck.......yea right Carrie as this is they end of the day on a HOLIDAY WEEKEND!  We drove back to the drive thru where we put the money in at and tried to get my dh check back...NOPE!  THAT WAS ALL THE MONEY WE HAD IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!  I then called the manager tot he grocery store and returned our groceries for is I hadn't the check would have bounced and we would never be able to write a check there again.  My daughter met us at a gas station and wrote us out a check for gas (enough to get us home) as we were almost on empty, remember I said we needed gas.  Now we are stuck home with absolutelty NO MONEY, no gasoline, no diapers, not even cloth, less then half a gallon of milk, no eggs, no butter, no bread,  a few potatoes, no meat, some oatmeal, pancake mix, a few kool aid packets and a few canned veggies.  But come Sunday night will not have barely anything here.  And I am scared to death about the goats!  If we do not make our house payments by the end of the month ................I don't even want to think about that.  And our Van payment is due today.........and if we are late past the grace period....they will start repo proceedings again.  My dh is off until Tuesday but we do not even know how he is going to get to work (gas wise).  I have asked an old friend about borrowing the money we just lost.............I have not heard an answer back as of yet.  I have plenty of things here to sell .............. but know one is buying. 

 We put some of our land up for sale and if only that would sell...............we WOULD BE MORE THEN FINE WITH EVERYTHING!   If there is anyway that any of you can find it in your hearts to help us, we would be most greatful.  I am sorry if this has offended anyone in the fact that I am coming to you all for help.  As I said, I have things to sell and will continue to try and do so.  I am merely trying to help my family.  For my Christian Sisters out there, please PRAY HARD FOR US!  You will never know how hard this was for me to humble myself and to post...........please forgive me.  Thank you for your understanding.  

In Christ,

Carrie

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